Sunday, July 31, 2011

Worst Wedding ... Ever!

A friend posted a video on Facebook called "Best Wedding Ever". While I didn't watch it I was reminded of the worst wedding I had ever been at. My then best friend D was getting married to a pig eyed sack of shit (PESS) and I was the best man.

I usually say I can't remember the whole tale unless I have a lot of booze in me. The truth is so much shit and stupidity happened I usually repress it. I am not even going to get into everything here. That would include the whole lead up to the wedding and the aftermath.

She was in love with the idea of being in love and getting married rather than in love with my friend. In fact she told a mutual friend that she "wanted" someone else but settled for him.

Some "highlights".

Having to be prepared to break the arm of the Bride's Brother so he stops harassing the Bridal Party. (That was actually the night before.)

Mediating a very vocal fight between the Bride and Maid of Honour the night before.

Having to turn on the over head fans at the church because no one, including the Minister, thought they would be needed on a hot humid summer day. (No A/C in that church.)

The Minister having to re-start the vows 33-4 times because the bride was laughing too much. Not nervous laughter, belly laughing. Which she then tried to blame on others.

The Father of the Bride's Toast to the Bride and Groom which began "I know a lot of people here hate me and want to see me dead."

The "Wedding Song", Meatloaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light". They had wanted his song "2 out of 3 ain't bad" but we talked them out of it. Seriously, they wanted "I want you, I need you, there ain't no way I am ever going to love you." but settled for a song about a guy who hit his 40's and realizes he made a mistake marrying the woman.

Everyone "having" to attend a breakfast the day after the wedding where the presents were opened. PESS would take the presents while giving the cards to hubby. She would ignore the cards, unless hubby found money in it. When it came to the presents she would pronounce whether they were good or bad and actually had a pile for those she liked and those she didn't. Always nice to let people know you think their presents are crap after getting them to pay for a meal to hear this pronouncement.

The bride accusing me and one of the Bridesmaids of screwing on their wedding bed. (We snuck into their room, left presents and papered the door shut. She turned that into us bumping ugly on the bed because ... well she needs drama in her life at all times.)

All in all it was the worst wedding I have ever been too. (I left lots of stupidity out that just made it worse.) Hopefully I never go to one that trumps it or I will stop going to weddings. To no one's surprise the couple is now unhappily divorced. Unfortunately for hubby, she made him choose between her and his old friends years before the divorce. He chose her, cut of all his old friends, and last I heard was pretty much alone, miserable, and blaming everyone but himself for his life.

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