Thursday, July 28, 2011

Depression

I always thought depression is one of the most dangerous of states of mind. At extremes it can cause people to do some self-destructive things. One of the things I enjoyed about the high level class I taught, with adults, is that we could explore serious issues. Depression is one that worked with quite a few classes. It is something I have had first hand experience with.

Back in the mid-90's my life was falling apart. If I believed in suicide, well, I wouldn't be writing this right now. I can't really put my finger on any one thing that got me through it. The support of my Mom definitely helped. It just took time to work through things and actually believe life would get better.

Lately I have been feeling a little down. Life isn't going the way I want it too. It is hard to find a job I actually like. While I could piss and moan about the bullshit in Korea I enjoyed teaching. I actually miss teaching.

Last night, halfway through a show I enjoy, I just got hit by a wave of depression. I felt like crying and I had no idea why. The night was pretty much a write off. This morning I started to do something that I haven't done in a long time. I tried to talk myself out of going for my morning walk. It had rained so it was wet and foggy, and it looked like the rain could start again. Luckily, I didn't convince myself not to go.

I find that when I walk I do one of two things. Either I put my brain in neutral and the time just passes while I think about nothing. Or I talk/think through whatever is on my mind. Today I did the latter. And it worked, I figured out what was bothering me.

Yesterday I had a security system installed for my Mom. It does home security, fire, and there is a special pendant like thing for medical help for my Mom if needed. With Ruger gone it bothers me to think of Mom being home alone. If I take a job outside Canada, or in another Province, she would be alone. And that dear Brutus is the rub.

What got me depressed was the fact I got the security system ... and Ruger is gone. It made it somehow more definite and really brought it home. He isn't here to protect her anymore. To protect the house. Even now, writing this, I am getting choked up. Damn I miss that crazy mutt.

It is strange what can bring out our emotions at times. Or plunge us into a bout of depression. The hard part is getting yourself out of it.

4 comments:

  1. A good post. I wish I could physically be there for you, buddy. You express a lot of things I'm feeling myself, as well.

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  2. You should kill yourself.

    ReplyDelete