Grizzly

What are the odds?

Grizzly has cancer. It is in his right leg and inoperable. Two years ago we started going through the same thing with Ruger but the opposite front leg.

They removed a tumour from Grizzly's leg but it WILL be back. When is up in the air but it will return. When it does and gets to a certain size ... it is time to let him go. :( Let him go. What a fucking stupid play on words. It is time to ... what do you say? Say good bye? Kill him? It is hard to put everything into one little catch phrase.

When the tumour gets to a certain size the only humane thing to do is have him euthanised. If not, the tumour will burst. Or break his bones, disjoint his leg, AND burst. It isn't fair to put him through that. I will not say life isn't fair but there are things we can do that are fair or unfair. Putting him through that would be wrong.

When it comes to cancer you start grieving right away. Regardless of the time remaining that is how we think. We (my family) did it when my father was wrongly diagnosed with cancer. When he rightly was. When Ruger was. Now, when Grizzly was. It is hard not to start the process right away. It is hard not to think of their life as over at that minute. It is wrong to do it but that is how we think.

What is important is that Grizzly has had a good life with us and until the end it will continue that way. We do and will always love him. He is part of our family and regardless of what happens always will be. :(

And life goes on.

I finished a bear of a week at work made worse by my back injury. I now look forward to 2 days off and my back starting to feel better. I don't know if I will be able to catch up on all the blog posts from ones that I follow or not. I missed a lot. I will at least try to catch up on the comments here and on WTK.

Grizzly is a damn welcome addition to the family. Even with a bad back I still managed to walk with him. He needs it and so do I. Last Monday he had a "playdate" at Doggy Day Camp aka Camp Bow Wow where Ruger used to go. The staff there loved Ruger and I am sure they will love Grizzly just as much.

My biggest fear was his head sensitivity. The SPCA said he was hit by a car before he ended up with them. One of his teeth was smashed up so badly that they had to remove it. When he first came home with us he was a little head shy. If you went to touch one side of his head he would move away. That has stopped.

However, he does NOT like other dogs jumping at his head. Two dogs did it and he put both of them on the ground, on their backs, quicker than I could react. Which lead me to warn people about his sensitivity. He has met MANY MANY dogs since then and there has been no problem. He spent 2+ hours at Doggy Day Camp with no problems. But when he has met those two dogs, since then, he has been ready to fight and very aggressive. ONLY with those two dogs.

Damn he makes me walk. Which I thank him for every day. Thanks to Grizzly I discovered a Provincial Park, Cole Harbour Heritage Park, that I never even knew existed less than 10 minutes from my door. It is GREAT for walking around.

The next week at work doesn't get crazy until the weekend. Less than 10 hours between shifts at one point. Unless of course I get called in, and I will answer the call.

Take care.

Grizzly update

Grizzly joined our family last Saturday and he fit right in. He is such a good dog. I was patting his head and rubbing his back Saturday night and he just melted into me and slid to floor to be patted. Then, while being patted, you could feel his pulse slow as he relaxed and his eyes fluttered. He started to fall asleep like that. What can I say, it brought tears to my eyes.

After Ruger's death the house felt dead. Grizzly has brought life back to it.

New Addition to the Family?

My mother decided the house is too empty and dead without Ruger. She wants another dog, which means I will happily be taking care of him or her. 2 weeks ago she saw one in an SPCA add and fell in love with him. He is a 2 year old Shepherd-Husky named Grizzly. What a face! He has one brown Shepherd eye and one crystal blue Husky eye! He was found running loose in Cape Breton after being hit by a car. :( Last Weds we went to see him and initiate adoption.

While there we took him for a walk. That is when I noticed a lump on his left front paw. My heart sank. As soon as I saw the lump I thought cancer. Ruger's death from cancer Victoria Day and the time leading up to that still hurt's. It is something I don't think my mother could handle again so soon, and I know I couldn't handle it.

The SPCA was having him sent to a vet to have a lumpectomy and a biopsy done on it. They called today. He came through surgery well and the vet THINKS it is benign but it will be 2-3 weeks until the biopsy results are in. What do we want to do?

They suggested fostering him for adoption after the results. I don't know about that. We are already getting attached to him and he hasn't even lived with us yet. Plus it wouldn't be fair to him to have him for a few weeks and send him back. That just seems wrong on so many levels. They can keep him until the biopsy results are in but would have to make him available for adoption in the meantime. Which means he could go to someone else.

I just don't know what the hell to advise my mother to do. The thought of adopting him just to lose him to cancer is just tearing at my heart. But if he has cancer then he needs a loving home even more.

The best I can think of is to drive to the SPCA and talk in person. Find out what the vet thinks. Did they get all of the tumour? If they did what are the chances of it coming back? I just can't see bringing him home and not having him stay. Hopefully it works out but to quote Han Solo "I have a bad feeling about this." A feeling I have had ever since I first saw the lump.

*****

Updated 5PM same day.

We went to the SPCA and talked with them. They showed us the Vet's report on the surgery and tumour. It does seem benign. It wasn't attached to anything. They will do the biopsy and we may bring him home tomorrow. There is one last hurdle he has to pass. He has to get along with the Shitsus a friend of my Mom owns. They are over here a lot and she dog sits them too. He should pass that hurdle and could be with us tomorrow afternoon. :)

Depression

I always thought depression is one of the most dangerous of states of mind. At extremes it can cause people to do some self-destructive things. One of the things I enjoyed about the high level class I taught, with adults, is that we could explore serious issues. Depression is one that worked with quite a few classes. It is something I have had first hand experience with.

Back in the mid-90's my life was falling apart. If I believed in suicide, well, I wouldn't be writing this right now. I can't really put my finger on any one thing that got me through it. The support of my Mom definitely helped. It just took time to work through things and actually believe life would get better.

Lately I have been feeling a little down. Life isn't going the way I want it too. It is hard to find a job I actually like. While I could piss and moan about the bullshit in Korea I enjoyed teaching. I actually miss teaching.

Last night, halfway through a show I enjoy, I just got hit by a wave of depression. I felt like crying and I had no idea why. The night was pretty much a write off. This morning I started to do something that I haven't done in a long time. I tried to talk myself out of going for my morning walk. It had rained so it was wet and foggy, and it looked like the rain could start again. Luckily, I didn't convince myself not to go.

I find that when I walk I do one of two things. Either I put my brain in neutral and the time just passes while I think about nothing. Or I talk/think through whatever is on my mind. Today I did the latter. And it worked, I figured out what was bothering me.

Yesterday I had a security system installed for my Mom. It does home security, fire, and there is a special pendant like thing for medical help for my Mom if needed. With Ruger gone it bothers me to think of Mom being home alone. If I take a job outside Canada, or in another Province, she would be alone. And that dear Brutus is the rub.

What got me depressed was the fact I got the security system ... and Ruger is gone. It made it somehow more definite and really brought it home. He isn't here to protect her anymore. To protect the house. Even now, writing this, I am getting choked up. Damn I miss that crazy mutt.

It is strange what can bring out our emotions at times. Or plunge us into a bout of depression. The hard part is getting yourself out of it.

Doggy Day Camp

Sometimes my mother found the dog too much to handle. It isn't that he was bad. He just needs to be walked and wants to play. Sometimes I think he gets lonely.

A couple of years ago she found a doggy day camp, as she calls it, to send him to. It is called Camp Bow Wow. Ruger is a very social animal. He loves meeting people and dogs. Even cats. Most people are afraid of him because of his size, he is a German Shepherd. But he is a love bug. Camp Bow Wow even has web cams so you can see your dog playing and socializing.

Ruger loves to go there. He gets very excited if you ask him if he wants to go to Doggy Day Camp. As soon as he gets there he tries to get into the main area before they let him. Last time someone opened the door and he just waltzed through.

As a Christmas present the siblings and I bought mom a lot of gift certificates for mom. They are good for an overnight stay. She drops him off around 1 or 2pm. She picks him up the next day between 4 and 6. It gives her a break and lets him play. He always comes home tired.

It was hard sometimes watching him on the video when I was in Korea. I missed playing with him. It is nice having him around again. When I had the flu really bad 2 years ago, at its peak, I was actually hallucinating that he was in my apartment keeping me company.

Today we are sending him to Doggy Day Camp so he can play with his friends. He is already excited. :)